Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
