I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize