apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
