If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
