My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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