...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
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