My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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