Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
