The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
You're a waste of cheezeits
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
