i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
