I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
