I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
