yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
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