Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
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