she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Randomize
