tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
