CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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