so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
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