Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
