I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
