After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize