It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
