I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
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