i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
