Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
