"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
