Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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