I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
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