fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Panties = found
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
