I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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