She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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