does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
