So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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