im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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