I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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