My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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