You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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