Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
