the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
