who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
