I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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