You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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