My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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