Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Randomize
