dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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