you traded sex for a burrito?
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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