Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize