those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
