What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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