I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
