he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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