Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
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