Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
