She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Randomize
