I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
