I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
