If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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