She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Randomize
