well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
