Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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