i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
